Tuesday, October 29, 2013


Smart poor kids need not apply.

Two recent scandals at The George Washington University revolve around the school's admissions practices. About a year ago, U.S. News dropped the institution from its prestigious rankings after the University disclosed that, for a decade, it had inflated the academic credentials of students in its incoming classes. More recently, the University has been called to the mat for its treatment of low-income applicants -- rejecting many of them outright, owing to their modest means. The Atlantic reports that George Washington, one of the most expensive universities in the world, has had to "rebrand" its admissions practices as applied to students who cannot afford tuition. But why walk the tightrope of questionable admissions practices? The Amiracan Miracle feels that GWU can go all the way toward creating a wealthy college-state on the Potomac. The institution can put the "Class" in "Entering Class."

1. Drop Marxist Theory from All Coursework. It's kind of hard to understand how a theory about class struggle would make sense at a university where members of only one socioeconomic class have enrolled. 

2. Sell Better Seats in Classrooms. Taking a cue from the airline model, the University could raise even more funds by charging students for prime seating: aisle, front row, and back row (good for doing Facebook).

3. Screen Staff and Faculty for Socioeconomic Background. A background check should now disqualify anyone below a certain level of wealth. Why force students to encounter anyone outside their social stratum?

4. Hold Graduation at a Bank. Instead of the University's president handing students a rolled diploma, students could, one by one, receive their diplomas at the teller's window. 

5. Increase Programming Immediately. Classes are boring. There's only so much clubbing one can do. The University should bring elephants, jugglers, acrobats. A magician could impress by making money talk.

6. Make Learning Optional. Let's remember that GWU students aren't as smart as the University claims they are, and at the same time, won't require a job beyond graduation. Whither any emphasis on knowledge?

7. Allow Purchase of Better Grades. We all know that influential money purchases votes on the House and Senate floors, so why shouldn't money purchase better grades in the Registrar's office?

8. Layaway Plan. If GWU must admit poor students, it should consider placing them on the layaway plan. After all, that's the same way they bought winter coats, school supplies, and other staples. 

9. Servants for Wealthy Students. If GWU must admit poor students, perhaps they could function in work-study roles for wealthier kids -- doing library research, acting as wing men, running sorority errands, etc.

10. Restricted Majors. If GWU must admit poor students, then the University should consider relegating them to certain majors, such as engineering, anthropology, and performing arts. This will be necessary seeing as all the communications, speech and hearing, and exercise science courses will be full.