Tuesday, March 8, 2011


The Worst.

It is no mistake that the salaries of senior staff at major American colleges continue to soar despite the fact that stool weight amongst the same demographic continues to decline, and by saying ‘stool weight’, I don’t mean frilly ‘seats’ with cushions. I mean good ol' bowel movements. Some senior administrators have been seen defecating in public, just to demonstrate that they still can produce nice plops, even if such production results in paltry, irregular movements. Yet others—various Presidents, Provosts, Chancellors—were caught cleaning up after the public defecations made by members of various Boards of Directors. These same lightweight stools were then captured in plastic bags and presented to union members, faculty, and staff during negotiations aimed at cutting salaries, limiting the right to strike, and ending the process of collective bargaining. The gestures were a bit difficult to comprehend. For starters, the bowel movements, themselves, were often pebbly cat-food in nature, and lacking in both cohesion and bulk. Were these same senior staff supposed to abuse the faculty, staff, et. al., with the stool samples of their masters, the Board members from wealthy, destructive major corporations? If so, the fecal stool slappings would have been less effective than if the Board members had produced weightier stool.

Some special faculty members, themselves, are wealthy, and have begotten fewer and fewer substantive bowel movements. One such faculty member, a part-time adjunct in (of all things!) accounting and business administration at an overpriced American college famous for little more than its fantastic tuition rates, was recently tossed from from a basketball game at same institution, due to an argument with the game’s head referee. It has been ascertained that the adjunct professor never refereed a game himself; he never played the game himself (beyond the arenas of his own imagination); and that he has recently begat insufficient stool. His stool, in all likelihood, required additional transit time through his long and short bowels, and then, when it approached his rectum, was quite diminished, piecemeal. The referee’s fecal weight, on the other hand, was said to be robust, and one can’t help but contemplate the stool weight of American economic competitors, such as the Chinese. Or such political, religious, and philosophical rivals, such the Iranians. This blogger has no love (or hate) for the ordinary peoples of Iran, but a recent study of mean fecal weight in that country seemed to suggest that the average Iranian was delivering more substantive bowel movements than the senior staff at major American institutions of higher learning.

I weep for the future of American higher education, though I do not weep for the administrators who are “guiding” our colleges. Their bowel movements don’t even compare, for instance, to those of average Iranians. The more that our administrators eat, the less stool they can offer, and the more corrupt grow their dealings with faculty, staff, and students. "Colon Health" isn't just a grammatical concept. If our fat administrators could only improve their bowel habits -- Amiracan Higher Ed might just have a "regular" chance.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

PROFESSORIALLY ADRIFT: Americans Anonymous 12-step Plan for Academic Change (Part B)


1. Vice Provost dismisses faculty member due to 'administrative cutbacks', says "Nothing I can do"

2. Faculty member stalks hallway, flailing wildly as part of Marxist rant

3. Packs office memorabilia into cardboard box, including birthday card from college president with automated signature

4. Urinates on colleague's door

5. Orders "glass of beer" in tavern

6. Remembers ideals -- and spits on them

7. Hires lawyer to sue school; blows through rainy day fund after long-term litigation and murderous fees, but in the end, lawyer drops his case

8. Fails to pay mortgage

9. Evicted from domicile

10. Scrawls KKK on dumpster

11. Takes shotgun and potted meat food product to woods, where he discovers former students, radicalized, living off mosses & mushrooms

12. Goes to Modern Language Association annual convention packing heat

Sunday, January 30, 2011

ACADEMICALLY ADRIFT: American Anonymous 12-Step Plan for Educational Change


Step 1: Government cuts funding.  Teachers fired.  Class sizes grow.

Step 2: Study conducted.  Points out students aren't learning as much as they used to.

Step 3: Students who aren't learning kicked out.

Step 4: More teachers fired.  More schools closed.  More and more uneducated citizens.

Step 5: “Happy” Workers for Menial Jobs. 

Step 6: No menial jobs left.  Foreigners doing them for less money.

Step 7: Student goes home and eats couch.

Step 8: Bashes foreigners.

Step 9: Scrawls KKK on side of dumpster.

Step 10: Joins Tea Party.

Step 11: Escapes to woods with shotgun and brisket.

Step 12: Becomes blogger with misspellings, fantasies about grammar control, and radicalized rhetoric.